October 29, 2011 • 24 notes • Flickr / junkchest
“My wing hurts :(“ Killdeer What horrifying monster decided to name this bird after a malicious slaughtering of Bambi? Oh, that’s right: The bird itself. This motherfucker’s name comes from the sound it makes. He just goes around promoting off-season hunting like he’s in the NRA. And, much like the typical member of the NRA, he’s a complete coward. That’s right, you heard me. Just like a gun totter, this assholes brags about killing things all the time, but take away its precious gun, and he’s all like, “please, don’t hurt me, I lay eggs on the ground even though i can fly, pity me! Wah! Wah!” Seriously, when you approach this jackwad’s eggs, he starts pretending like he’s got a broken wing and being like, “Oh no, I’m hurt! I can’t defend my family like a real man because I’m a pussy and I “broke” my wing! JUST KIDDING!” Then flies away like he fooled you. Meanwhile, you accidently step on his eggs because you were to busy being confused to actually pay attention to what your doing. Nice strategy, dipshit.  One time, there were two different families of killdeer living in my yard. TWO! It was a non-stop pity party that everyone was invited to but nobody showed up because the hosts are assholes who probably favor the death penalty, even in cases of mental retardation. I want them out of my state before they can do my country harm!

“My wing hurts :(“

Killdeer

What horrifying monster decided to name this bird after a malicious slaughtering of Bambi? Oh, that’s right: The bird itself. This motherfucker’s name comes from the sound it makes. He just goes around promoting off-season hunting like he’s in the NRA. And, much like the typical member of the NRA, he’s a complete coward.

That’s right, you heard me. Just like a gun totter, this assholes brags about killing things all the time, but take away its precious gun, and he’s all like, “please, don’t hurt me, I lay eggs on the ground even though i can fly, pity me! Wah! Wah!” Seriously, when you approach this jackwad’s eggs, he starts pretending like he’s got a broken wing and being like, “Oh no, I’m hurt! I can’t defend my family like a real man because I’m a pussy and I “broke” my wing! JUST KIDDING!” Then flies away like he fooled you. Meanwhile, you accidently step on his eggs because you were to busy being confused to actually pay attention to what your doing. Nice strategy, dipshit. 

One time, there were two different families of killdeer living in my yard. TWO! It was a non-stop pity party that everyone was invited to but nobody showed up because the hosts are assholes who probably favor the death penalty, even in cases of mental retardation. I want them out of my state before they can do my country harm!

September 10, 2011 • 1 note
The Parrot “I am so lonely. I really need a companion. Perhaps a pet. But not one of those boring old pets that are soft and lovable, or provide function past companionship. I want one that can TALK! Not only should it talk, but it should babbler incessantly for hours at a time. All night, if need be! And it should have no idea what its saying. Ever since my last loveless relationship ended, I’m just so lonely that any incoherent voice will do. OH, and it should be, like, 4 or 5 colors. I love colors.” When people say they want parrots, this is all I hear. Sure, they’re fun for the first few seconds or when they’re in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but the moment you go to give one of those fuckers a cracker (WHICH IS ALL THEY EVER SAY THEY WANT), the bastards nip at your fingers like it enemy spawn.  And I don’t need some asshole repeating everything I say. If I wanted that, I’d become a cult leader. There, I’ve said it: all people who own parrots are crazy sect leaders who want to murder everyone with kool-aid and colorful birds. I mean, honestly people. If you live in any other state but Hawaii, you don’t need a fucking bird of paradise. What you need is a friend outside of the home, and quickly. 

The Parrot

“I am so lonely. I really need a companion. Perhaps a pet. But not one of those boring old pets that are soft and lovable, or provide function past companionship. I want one that can TALK! Not only should it talk, but it should babbler incessantly for hours at a time. All night, if need be! And it should have no idea what its saying. Ever since my last loveless relationship ended, I’m just so lonely that any incoherent voice will do. OH, and it should be, like, 4 or 5 colors. I love colors.”

When people say they want parrots, this is all I hear. Sure, they’re fun for the first few seconds or when they’re in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but the moment you go to give one of those fuckers a cracker (WHICH IS ALL THEY EVER SAY THEY WANT), the bastards nip at your fingers like it enemy spawn. 

And I don’t need some asshole repeating everything I say. If I wanted that, I’d become a cult leader. There, I’ve said it: all people who own parrots are crazy sect leaders who want to murder everyone with kool-aid and colorful birds. I mean, honestly people. If you live in any other state but Hawaii, you don’t need a fucking bird of paradise. What you need is a friend outside of the home, and quickly. 

August 17, 2011 • 1 note
Pigeons We’re going to play a little game. I want you to make a mental list of the stupidest birds you can think of. Go ahead, take your time. Make sure there’s at least four bullet points. Have you got it? Okay, now compare it to mine: Pigeons Pigeons Turkeys Pigeons How did we compare? Did you do pretty well? If not, then you’re probably also a pigeon.  Honestly, there is nothing stupider than a pigeon. They walk around aimlessly in groups, begging for food like a bunch a disease ridden, crazy, jobless hobos. One time I saw a pigeon swallow an entire hotdog without cutting it up first. So they’re sluts, too. Which would explain the disease.  In addition to being ridiculously stupid, rude, and slutty, they insist on having a difficult name to spell. Pigeon? Really? How do you spell that? Oh, Pig + eon. As in the animal that is known for being dirty plus an indefinite and very long period of time. And how would you like that pronounced? Oh, completely the opposite as any normal human being might guess. Cool. However, I will hand it to them, they did choose a quality two words to combine. For not only are they a hell of a lot dirtier than pigs (and produce far less bacon), but only after 35-years of absolute purposelessness does it die. That’s right, you heard me. Pigeons live…for 35 years! Useful animals, such as the dog, the horse, and the giraffe usually get 12, maybe 15 years. Pigeons get to live longer than Janis Joplin, Chris Farley, and Alfonso XII, the once great king of Spain, apparently. I call bullshit on the universe. 

Pigeons

We’re going to play a little game. I want you to make a mental list of the stupidest birds you can think of. Go ahead, take your time. Make sure there’s at least four bullet points. Have you got it? Okay, now compare it to mine:

  • Pigeons
  • Pigeons
  • Turkeys
  • Pigeons

How did we compare? Did you do pretty well? If not, then you’re probably also a pigeon. 

Honestly, there is nothing stupider than a pigeon. They walk around aimlessly in groups, begging for food like a bunch a disease ridden, crazy, jobless hobos. One time I saw a pigeon swallow an entire hotdog without cutting it up first. So they’re sluts, too. Which would explain the disease. 

In addition to being ridiculously stupid, rude, and slutty, they insist on having a difficult name to spell. Pigeon? Really? How do you spell that? Oh, Pig + eon. As in the animal that is known for being dirty plus an indefinite and very long period of time. And how would you like that pronounced? Oh, completely the opposite as any normal human being might guess. Cool.

However, I will hand it to them, they did choose a quality two words to combine. For not only are they a hell of a lot dirtier than pigs (and produce far less bacon), but only after 35-years of absolute purposelessness does it die. That’s right, you heard me. Pigeons live…for 35 years! Useful animals, such as the dog, the horse, and the giraffe usually get 12, maybe 15 years. Pigeons get to live longer than Janis Joplin, Chris Farley, and Alfonso XII, the once great king of Spain, apparently. I call bullshit on the universe. 

July 13, 2011 • 1 note

I was asked my opinions of this bird by my good friend, Taylor.

This bird—this…thing—disgruntles me, but does not surprise me in the least. Seagulls are a menace. Not cute, adorable menaces that look like my brother when he was 8, but a menace who will stop at nothing to destroy our convenience stores and our way of life. 

Were it up to me, this bird would be doing time just like any other shoplifter. 

July 12, 2011 • 1 note
Q
there's a crow living somewhere near my apartment complex, that not only chooses to ignore the dawn chorus, it chooses to never shut the hell up. i can even hear it above the television. advice?
ourlivesthesequel
A

As I see it, there are two courses of action you can take: One, move. Or two, spare no expense in acquainting the asshole with a shallow grave. And I mean no expense. Demolish the apartment complex should it come to that. Regardless of what option you choose, its important that you choose one, as television and sleep are too important to be interrupted.

July 11, 2011 • 9 notes
Crows Look at this dumbass. Does this animal look like it could be loved? Short answer: No. Long answer: Heeeeelllllll naaaaw.  These a-holes hang out on top of abondoned telephone poles and ripped up chainlink fences like they’re hipster cool. Instead, they end up looking like that kid in high school who likes to think people are avoiding him because he’s the artist type and no one gets him but really they’re avoiding him because he talks really loudly and perches awkwardly close to you without attempting to join the conversation. Twice this past month i was awoken by a couple of crows CAWWWing next to my window for a solid half hour. What the fuck kind of purpose are they serving? Are they even on the food chain? I have never seen a crow eat anything before. What do they eat, some kind of berry that grows EVERYWHERE yet is no where to be found. And why are they the signal of death in every.fucking.horror movie. “Oh, someone died in that scene? wtf ever, just do a close up on a crow, then segue to the hotel scene.” Don’t even get me started on that dumbass movie “The Crow”. Crows…errwhere.

Crows

Look at this dumbass. Does this animal look like it could be loved? Short answer: No. Long answer: Heeeeelllllll naaaaw. 

These a-holes hang out on top of abondoned telephone poles and ripped up chainlink fences like they’re hipster cool. Instead, they end up looking like that kid in high school who likes to think people are avoiding him because he’s the artist type and no one gets him but really they’re avoiding him because he talks really loudly and perches awkwardly close to you without attempting to join the conversation.

Twice this past month i was awoken by a couple of crows CAWWWing next to my window for a solid half hour. What the fuck kind of purpose are they serving? Are they even on the food chain? I have never seen a crow eat anything before. What do they eat, some kind of berry that grows EVERYWHERE yet is no where to be found.

And why are they the signal of death in every.fucking.horror movie. “Oh, someone died in that scene? wtf ever, just do a close up on a crow, then segue to the hotel scene.” Don’t even get me started on that dumbass movie “The Crow”. Crows…errwhere.

June 14, 2011 • 4 notes
Seagulls Seagulls are a special symbol to sailors, an indicator that after days, weeks, months on end, they have finally reached their destination: land. But for everyone whose not an asshole, wasting their life on some boat that doesn’t have a motor, Seagulls are a symbol that you’re about to be shit on and you must carefully guard precious bread items. These motherfuckers will do anything for your crispy lays. One time, as i was swatting away two other seagulls, a third, inexplicable one came out of fucking nowhere and took my dinner roll. Literally, the word ‘gull’ means to decieve. So, their name literally means “Deceptive motherfuckers who hang out by the beach”. They are like Californian hobos. Now, text can not accurately convey the exact sound any animal makes, but, if one were to attempt, it would look like this: “AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKK” Lovely

Seagulls

Seagulls are a special symbol to sailors, an indicator that after days, weeks, months on end, they have finally reached their destination: land. But for everyone whose not an asshole, wasting their life on some boat that doesn’t have a motor, Seagulls are a symbol that you’re about to be shit on and you must carefully guard precious bread items. These motherfuckers will do anything for your crispy lays. One time, as i was swatting away two other seagulls, a third, inexplicable one came out of fucking nowhere and took my dinner roll. Literally, the word ‘gull’ means to decieve. So, their name literally means “Deceptive motherfuckers who hang out by the beach”. They are like Californian hobos.

Now, text can not accurately convey the exact sound any animal makes, but, if one were to attempt, it would look like this:

“AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKK”

Lovely

June 13, 2011
FACT: If birds could talk, none of them would talk to Red Wing Black Birds, because he’s an asshole. 

FACT: If birds could talk, none of them would talk to Red Wing Black Birds, because he’s an asshole. 

June 12, 2011 • 1 note
The Red Wing Black Bird The most evil of all birds, the Red Wing Black Bird will swoop at you for no mother fucking reason whatsoever. People tell me that its because you’re getting to close to its nest, but I have never seen any fucking nest, and this asshole attacks me every fucking time I walk to work. Yet, whenever I’m in a large group of people, bitch leaves me alone! So, now, all of my friends think I’m crazy when I shout at birds “Oh, you scared now, bitch? You ain’t got the guts to peck me when mah friends around?!?”In addition, they sound like assholes, too. Like blow horn running out of aerosol. Photo by Alan D. Wilson, Wikipedia Commons 

The Red Wing Black Bird

The most evil of all birds, the Red Wing Black Bird will swoop at you for no mother fucking reason whatsoever. People tell me that its because you’re getting to close to its nest, but I have never seen any fucking nest, and this asshole attacks me every fucking time I walk to work. Yet, whenever I’m in a large group of people, bitch leaves me alone! So, now, all of my friends think I’m crazy when I shout at birds “Oh, you scared now, bitch? You ain’t got the guts to peck me when mah friends around?!?”

In addition, they sound like assholes, too. Like blow horn running out of aerosol.

Photo by Alan D. Wilson, Wikipedia Commons